|
Here's where you get to ask me all kinds of questions. No topic is too strange or weird, so don't be shy. Whether it's about finances, dealing with a sib, falling for your next-door neighbor (again?), or wondering how to get your parents off your back, help is on the way!
TOO CLOSE FOR COMFORT!
OK, my situation is a little different: I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 to go off to college. I became completely independant and self-sufficient, working two or three jobs at a time as well as taking a full-load of courses. Into my junior year, I was 21, I got into a really bad car accident with my boyfriend, and, as I was far from home, had nowhere to go. My boyfriends family (whom he lives with) invited me to live with them, and they bought me a new car. Perfect! I was excited, because I had somewhere to go, not have to pay rent, got to see my boyfriend everyday, AND I got the brand new car of my dreams. I am approaching my 23rd birthday, and I have lived with them a year and half. My boyfriend and my relationship has suffered greatly, as we get zero alone time, and both have our own personal educational and financial endeavors. The problem is: Do I take this job offer and move out on my own (the boyfriend has issues with this, he's not ready to move out yet) and risk breaking up with my boyfriend (as we would NEVER see each other), or do I stay here and work on the masters classes and my volunteer activities, and enjoy the life of ease and convenience with him? I'm so confused on which path to take right now, I can't seem to see the forest through the trees. Any clarity would be greatfully accepted.
Yours is a very tough situation. On one hand, you have comfort, security and affection. It's not perfect living with your boyfriend's family, but it's definitely much less scarier than the prospect of going out on your own. There are no right answers, but you have to ask yourself how you will feel in 20 years. Think about looking back at your life 20 years from now. Which would you regret more: Not taking the job and moving out or leaving your boyfriend and the family? In the end, that's a question only you can answer.
FROM PARENTS TO BOYFRIEND
I like to think of myself as a member of the 1st wave of the boomerang generation. I am 32, and moved back home after graduating from college at 22 because of my student loan debt, credit card debt and basic bad choices. After taking a job in '99 that paid very little to start but guranteed great salary increases over a 5-year period, I'm moving out. But there's one glitch...my boyfriend of three years thinks we should live together in the house he owns. He's great, we're great together and we've discussed the ramifications of co-habitating, but I 'm still not sure - maybe I should take this opportunity to live alone? Any advice?
Thanks for trusting me with this question. I understand your concern and it's a very personal issue. I lived with my mom until I was 30 years old. I was there more for emotional support than anything. When I turned 30, I met my current fiance. It was very hard for me to decide whether to live alone or move straight in with him. Ultimately, I decided to move in with him. That decision came at a price, since I was always going back and forth and wanting to move out because I felt I never did the "living alone" thing. Our relationship suffered as a result and I was a nervous wreck. Finally, I just gave up the struggle and decided that living on my own was not in the cards, and I wasn't going to give up a good relationship because of what I thought I "should" do. Anyway, my next book KISS and RUN about female commitment phobia addresses this very issue.
I guess the point is that I don't have a clear answer. It might be time for you to move on alone or move in together. It's a choice you have to meditate on and then just forget about it. Feel your way through it, but don't overthink it. I went off on a three week vacation to Italy by myself to make up for the fact that I never lived alone. Maybe you'll find your compromise, too.
OH, BROTHER!
My brother is in his late 40s and has been living with my parents forever. He has never paid rent, utilities or groceries. I, on the other hand, am a single parent and usually work two jobs at once to support my family. I can't hardly stand him anymore. He brags about his purchases, car, and all the money he is saving, while I’m struggling. How do I deal with this? One of these days, I will probably let him have it and I will say what is on my mind, but I know I will end up looking like the villain -- selfish and self serving. My parents will stick up for him in the end. I can’t hardly stand to go home. How do I handle this?
Yours is a very prickly and difficult dilemma. It is only natural that you would feel frustrated. You have worked very hard to support yourself. Throughout history, siblings have had issues getting along. There’s always some rift, rancor, or unresolved grudge that needs to be addressed. While some discord lessens over time, other feuds can continue and even exacerbate with the years. You are right in thinking that your situation isn’t fair. But your brother isn’t the problem, it’s your parents. After all, they’re the ones who are enabling his behavior. If you do feel that there is inequality, make a point to talk about it with your parents – not you brother. Despite the resentment you feel for your him, your parents are the ones you need to be dealing with. Make sure to tell them that their behavior is causing some problems, and be specific about how their behavior towards your brother affects you. And while it won’t right the skewed family dynamic overnight, their behavior may improve once they’re aware of it. But if all else fails, ponder this: No matter how good you feel your brother has it, he doesn’t have the sense of pride and confidence you do in knowing that you have worked hard all your life. No matter what you think, all the money and cars in the world can’t compete with this sense of satisfaction.
STAY OR GO?
I am 23 years old. I won’t be graduating from college for another year. This summer I plan to move out on my own. Do you think that such a bright idea, since I’m still in school. I have saved up and I have a full and part time job, so I can afford it. But I don’t know. Do you have any advice to help me out?
You sound like you’ve covered all the basics. You have money saved up, two jobs, and an almost-finished college degree. Of course, you’re a little nervous about moving on and out, but you have to remind yourself that there will never be a time when you feel 100% certain about anything. There’s never a “right” or “wrong” time to do anything. All you can do is minimize the risk, get all your ducks in a row, and take the plunge. And from what it sounds like, you’re ready to do that. Good luck!
MAMA'S BOY??
I moved out my house when I was 17 years old. I'm now 27. My current boyfriend has been living at home all along, and now he is 31. He asked me to come live with him. I was unsure so he came to live with me, but now he wants to move back home and bring me along, which I'm fine with, but my mother now refuses to talk to me. She thinks that he is a mommy’s boy (which is not true) and thinks that it’s unhealthy (based only on her opinion). She does not think it’s right, and now won’t talk to me. Right now we are not speaking and she said she does not want to speak to me as long as I'm at my boyfriend’s house. What should I do?
This is no doubt a tough situation to be in. On one hand, you want to be with your boyfriend. On the other, you don’t want your relationship with him to come between you and your mother. The first thing you have to do is ask yourself: What do I want to do? Moving in with your boyfriend’s family is going to create some issues, whether you’re aware of them now or not. It’s going to take some time to adjust, and you’ll need to communicate with him and his family about your expectations for the living arrangement. The second question is: Why is your mother’s opinion so important to you? Is there even a small part of you that wonders if she maybe has a point? But even if you see her side of the equation, that doesn’t mean you have to live your life according to her rule. If you’ve decided that moving in with your boyfriend and his family is the best thing for you right now, you’ll need to talk to your mother and explain that you are walking into this situation with your eyes wide open. Admit that it won’t be easy and that you don’t have all the answers, but clarify that you need her support regardless of what you decide to do. Once she sees how mature you’re being about this decision and care deeply about your relationship with her, she might very well come around and see your point of view. Good luck!
TIME'S UP!
Our 24 year-old son has said that he wants to stay with us 3 more years until his car is paid off. He has been out of college for 3 years and has a steady job in a super market for the last 5 years although he hates it and pays us $100 a month rent. He has been very responsible in his job but has become increasingly lazy in domestic chores and has been showing an increasingly disrespectful attitude towards his mother and me over the past 2 years and is getting worse. We have tried to work through this numerous times to no avail. We are planning to move closer to my work next year and are thinking of giving our son a year to save money for his own place as well as helping him with furniture, moving expenses,dishes, towels, etc. He will be 25 in 6 months and do you think it is unreasonable of us to ask him to move out in a year's time? -- Robert
Hmmm, that’s quite a bind. While your son should be commended for working hard and holding down a job, your complaints about him concern me. If he is in fact beginning to take your help and help for granted and even growing disrespectful, it’s time you made some changes. Good news. By asking for three more years, your son is already aware that his time at home is numbered. So it’s not like he’ll be too shocked when you break the news to him. And break the news you will have to do!
One of the biggest issues that I have with people living at home is when they interfere with their parent’s plans for retirement, selling a house, or moving. It’s one thing to live at home when you’re contributing to the household and helping out, but when you’re detracting from your parents general level of well-being (economically or otherwise), it’s important to try to limit your time and hightail it out of there. So my answer is: No. You’re not being unreasonable to ask your son to leave in a year. In fact, you’re being more than fair, especially since you’ve offered to pay with moving expenses. That’s more than many parents would do. So rest assured, you’re in the clear here. Just make sure to break it gently. Reassure him that you love him and care about him, but you’re not prepared to put your relocation plans on hold for him. Good luck!
ROOM TO BREATHE
You assume that each 20-something person has their own room. What about a case where someone this age has to go back to sharing a room with a brother or sister? Wouldn't this be especially difficult for TWO people in that age bracket to have to go back to sharing a room as they did growing up. I'm all for roommates in certain situations (college dorms, overnight camp, prisons, etc.) but genug es genug. – Steve
I really do feel your pain. When my sister, mom, and I moved to NYC, we had to share a 2 bedroom condo, which meant that I would have to share a room with my sister. And mind you, it wasn’t even that big. I even thought about getting bunk beds (oh the horror) to save on space, but when I went to the store to check out the beds and saw the Unicorn and Tonka Truck designs, I quicky realized that I was out of my mind. Ultimately, we decided on twin beds. Lucky for me, my boyfriend at the time had a place nearby (a beautiful apartment his parents bought for him…Yes, life is so unfair), so I would often take refuge there.
Believe me, I know how you feel. Sharing a room with a sib at any point in your 20s can make you feel like you’re going nuts and regressing way back to when you were a kid and fought over toys. The best thing you can do is to create some kind of divider system for your room. This is my dance space, and this is your dance space. Putting up a screen in between your beds or a large bookshelf will give you some added privacy. You should also figure out a schedule so that each of you has some time in the room alone. For example, if your brother wants the room twice a week, arrange to have plans with friends or hang at a bookshop. And make sure he does the same when you need space. Finally, and this is easier said than done, try not to be embarassed about your sharing situation. You’d be surprised just how many people are in the same boat. And just for laughs, check out The Royal Tennenbaums. Granted the sibs didn’t have to share a room, but living in one house did produce some funny moments.
ME, SELFISH?
My dad is still recovering from multiple strokes, my brother who is two years older than me, still lives at home, and my mother who is okay only when she wants to be. And I have a high-maintenance girlfriend. I told myself at times I am tired of making people happy, time for me to be happy. I want to move out, but I can only barely scrap enough change each week to survive my bill cycle. What do I do? -- Jason
Wow! You do have a lot on your hands. But hearing your story is extremely refreshing in that I don’t think enough people realize that living at home is not about just mooching off your parents, it’s also often about giving back and helping them out, too. So congrats…You’re already an adult.
First of, you should be commended for making a go of it and not deserting your parents in their time of need. Problem is, you’ve taken on too much responsibility and you need to start worrying about yourself more than everyone else. In fact, if you don’t get your act together first, you’ll be in no condition to help anyone else. These are the rules. I didn’t make it up.
Here are some questions for you to think about:
1. Are you saving each month? From what it sounds, the answer is NO. Is there any way you can squeeze together something for a place of your own?
2. What about your brother? If the two of you combine your resources, can you afford to rent a place together? Granted you’d still living with your brother, but it may be better than the alternative.
3. Do you have supportive friends? If yes, make sure you spend time with them away from the house.
It may be time for you to take a break from the insanity for a bit. You won’t figure out a game plan overnight, but make sure you get out of the house and do things on your own. It sounds like you’re ready to leave the nest, so make sure to tell your parents that you are planning to save for your own place. You’ll want to break it to them gently and gradually, so they have time to adjust and make other plans. And as far as your girlfriend, only you know what to do. If the relationship is becoming a source of stress, that’s the last you need right now. And don’t forget. It’s okay to be selfish sometimes. In fact, it’s your only hope for getting out on your own.
HIGHER-ED NOT YET HIRED
Right now I'm a Ph.D student and I'm finished with most of the coursework, getting ready to be ABD (all but dissertation). I know that eventually I will find a teaching position or even a fellowship, but in the meantime money is running out and I am broke. This means I cannot afford rent and that means moving back at my parents house. I been through the despair and depression of living at home. Now at age 26, I feel like I'm going back to square one AGAIN! I know its probably not a big deal as I make it out to be. However, I find myself being anxious about being anxious when I move back. Plus, my relationship with my mother has gotten worse. I notice that the boomerang and Quarter life crisis issues are geared towards undergraduates, but not doctoral candidates/grad students. I feel alone in this situation. Do you know any grad students in the same position as I am? and How do I deal with a stuborn mother who is paranoid and treats me like I'm still 13? Thanks for hearing me out :) -- Kathy
Hi Kathy…Yes, I see what you mean. It does often feel like you’re moving backwards, whether it’s your first time moving back or your third. The key thing to remember is: you’re not moving backwards. Look how much you’ve accomplished since then. You should be proud of yourself for getting a graduate degree. Congrats! In the book, I write a lot about how people move back at different points in their lives, whether it’s for graduate school or to start their own business. So rest assured, you’re hardly alone in this situation. And 26 is not old on the spectrum of boomerangers. In fact, it’s about the average age when people move home, if you discount all the college grads. What does trouble me is the discord between you and your mom. I hear a lot of people complain that their parents treat them like kids and that’s hardly any fun. My advice is to have a talk with her before moving back. Explain to her that many people move back home with their parents and that this has become a common rite of passage. Also, tell her how her behavior makes you feel and try to come up with compromises to basic issues like coming home late, entering each other’s rooms, and other privacy issues. Honestly, she might not understand that she’s causing you to regress. Finally, if she’s still treating you like a toddler, make sure you contribute some rent, cook her dinner, and do stuff around the house. It’s kind of hard treating someone like a kid when they’re acting so grown up. Good luck!
TOP 3 BOOMERANGER QUESTIONS
1. Am I a loser?
Every single boomeranger struggles with doubts, insecurity, and the creeping suspicion that they're somehow less successful or together than everyone else. But don't fall into the self-pitying trap. No, it's not fair that you have to move home. No, it's not fair that your generation is inheriting one of the bleakest economic legacies of the past three decades. And no, it's not fair that many of your friends have great jobs and parents to subsidize their cool apartments. But just because some people look like they have it all together, doesn't mean that they do. If you need some time to get your bearings and figure out what you want to do, by all means...take it!
2. Will I be here for the rest of my life?
You don't have to be Nostradamus to predict that you won't be stuck at home your entire life. Fearing that you will never get out is the same as the 30-something single girl nightmare of ending up alone surrounded by cats and pints of Hagaan Dazs. The likelihood of both scenarios happening is extremely unlikely. This doomsday scenario is just a projection of your fears -- the fear that you'll never find a job you love, that you'll never make any new friends, and that you'll never have enough money to get your own place. It's only normal to feel this way. But while it's common to worry, don't get carried away. If you don't believe me, trust in the power of statistics, which show that the majority of you will in fact move out eventually.
3. What will everyone think of me?
Your biggest nightmare may be hearing these three questions:
-
You live where?
-
At your age?
-
What's wrong with you?
But most people have more important things to sit around and worry about why you're living at home, how long you're going to stay, and what that says about the kind of person you are. Of course, we all have that annoying person who goes around spouting how terrible it is to live with your parents at our age; they claim to have done everything on their own terms, with no financial assistance of any kind, smugly arguing that today's youth are more spoiled than any group in the past. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Look deeper, though, and you'll probably find that they had a helping hand somewhere along the way. Very few people can go through life claiming that they did it all on their own. And if they do, they're probably lying. And if all else fails, remember that there are more than 18 million other people just like you. And since you're all going through the same thing, there's really no reason cause for criticism.
|
